Separation: how to deal with love ruminations?

overcome lust

During a period of mourning in love, we often go through a period of “love depression”. Most of the symptoms are present: loss of self-confidence, change in appetite, lack of concentration, neglect of one’s physical appearance, guilt, and so on…

In other words, we’re brooding. We keep thinking about the missing person. One brood, which facilitates sentimental crystallization around disappointment and lengthens the time of mourning in love.

How to escape from the dark, how to throw bleach on ruminations, you will find the answers here. 


Love Depression: Some Definitions


Rumination is being locked in a repetitive process of negative thoughts.

  • We go back to the problems of the past: mainly those for which we feel responsible…
  • We ask ourselves questions that cannot be answered: “Why didn’t it work? Did he really love me? Would it have worked if I had done it differently? «

In itself, asking questions or taking stock of our past is not dramatic: it is even essential to avoid repeating the mistakes of the past. 

Negative thoughts

Following a break-up, we often feel a deep sense of powerlessness. We have just seen a relationship that was important to us break up and there is little we can do to “fix it”.

It’s easy to feel responsible for the break-up (whereas it takes two to start a relationship, just as it takes two to end one) and to devalue oneself. 
Or to imagine that we will no longer find love. The world appears to us as a place of insecurity. (“I’ll never meet a man with whom I could build a nice story”.)


It’s not uncommon post-breakup to slip into an abandonment of daily (and boring, it must be said) tasks. The problem is that not only is inactivity the best way to brood, but these forgotten tasks can lead to more or less significant problems that will further erode the recurring drop in self-confidence in mourning love.

This inactivity can be accompanied by a certain withdrawal into oneself. Refusal to see friends for fear of being boring with our stories, by boredom, by desire for solitude.

While isolation may seem legitimate for one or two weeks, in the long run it prevents you from clearing your head. To see that there is a life without the other, a life waiting for us.


Following a break-up, a double shame can appear:

  • Shame for past actions:  the attempts to win back, the sacrifices, the humiliation of having given more, of having offered more… of having loved one way sometimes.
  • Shame of the present state: one can see oneself lethargic and be ashamed to be in this state of mourning. Especially if this mourning is more painful for us than for the other. We feel guilty for going so badly… And, it is not this guilt that will help us recover.

How do love ruminations work?

Rumination can be devouring, it absorbs almost entirely. One has this haggard air, lost in the wave, while Baudelairian thoughts come in. It is by becoming aware of the entry in rumination that we can look for its exit doors.

  • Blocking: stopping in one’s actions, immersed in our thoughts.
  • Slowing down: performing our tasks in slow motion, caught in our ruminations.
  • Reworking: the tireless repetition of the same unanswered (and hurtful) questions: “Does he still think about me?” “What if I had done that?”

How to fight ruminations?

deal with love rumination

The fight against ruminations is a daily job. I would even say right now. Of course, the big projects, the desire to get out of this rupture, and the entourage are precious help. But, in the end, the pain is in the small moments that it seeps in and therefore in the small moments that it deserves to be fought against.

1. Get busy 

It will be a matter of diverting attention from those thoughts. Even if the occupation goes against the grain of our desire to cry in bed, it is perhaps the most effective way to move forward step by step. So, let’s keep our bodies and minds busy even in simple tasks, such as listening to a good radio program while driving!

2. Exercise

Sport is the good. (Fighting sport seems to be THE best). It allows you to decentralize the time of realization. Then, you always feel better about yourself after exercising.

If I have to add a layer, I would advise sports with several people (via clubs). It’s a good way to meet new people, to have a new space without the boy to forget or to hang out with friends.

3. Get out

Ruminating in front of the super barman who’s making eyes at you is a lot less painful than being alone at home.

Get out and enjoy

Seriously, even if you’re not more tempted by girlfriends, friends and parties, go ahead. Without expecting it to change your life, without forcing you to smile, but simply to be surrounded and have other topics of conversation around you.

4. Letting thoughts disappear

When we have negative thoughts like “I suck at crying like this for a man“, it is not uncommon for us to have a judgment about our negative thoughts and/or debate them. “I suck at thinking I suck” and/or “Yeah, but that guy was a jerk, but maybe if I hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t be in this situation. »

In itself, ruminations and negative thoughts are “normal” in times of breakdown. The ideal would be to learn to observe them as if they were external. To simply let them pass right through us without stopping from above.

Easy to say, the effort is more important on a daily basis because it requires frequent repetition, but it helps to avoid “ruminations” on “ruminations”.

5. Refocusing attention

At times you have to say stop, to be violent to ourselves. Thoughts begin, they flow, becoming darker and darker… When you can, the best thing to do is to say “stop” and refocus your attention on what you are doing (or take a good book…).

Many of our ruminations are incidental. They allow us neither to better understand our history (for that, there is the love balance sheet that one can make after a break-up), nor to be well (these ruminations are rarely positive). It’s good to know that our self-flagellations won’t bring us anything. 

6. Making projects

When you break up, it’s like sealing off a room in a house. It’s become uninhabitable. There will inevitably be a time of work, a time of work fatigue, and it will be unpleasant to stay in it for too long. But there are other rooms, other things that simply have nothing to do with love.

There’s this novel project with notes here and there on our PC. There’s this desire to learn about the boat that we’ve been dreaming about since childhood. There’s the desire to get this job that took us almost 5 years of study! There’s the family and friends with whom it would be cool to take a house in the country to party for a weekend.

Of course, the room is doomed. Of course, that part of us is painful, but is that a reason to stay there. Do we have to work on it 20 hours a day without taking advantage of the other spaces that are offered to us?

The same goes for ruminations. Of course a separation opens up questions, pain and a real work of mourning, and all this is good for the crossing of dark thoughts. But the best way to go through them is still to nourish oneself with life, its strange path and the potential for future happiness.

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